Friday, June 1, 2007

Fight or flight

Anytime I would wake from a seizure I could see a look in the eye of those that I thought were closest. They had witnessed the fight. I now see them as nothing but battles of anger, hate, rage, guilt, saddness, and torment of the past coming out. The only problem was I was always the looser. All most immediately as I woke from the unconcious I could see a wall of judgement and fear between my friends. I had lost any respect, comradery was fake, I was a freak. No longer apart of the popular circle I was the speck of dust to be brushed of to keep the inside clean.
I lived in fear of having one more uncontrollable grand-mal seizure infront of my once friends or anyone else. Fear creates tension and it has been my experience that stress and tension is a sort of generator for seizures. I suppose this disability compounded by out and out rage that would pop out for no apparent reason toward anyone made me a walking time bomb or volcanoe that erupts. A volcanoe is usually remembered and feared yet almost entertaining to those who see it on the news. Not so for an epileptic. I don't think epileptics are revered in the same light. I live alone and have maybe 3 or 4 people that I trust enough to know me. Still I hide because there are painfilled secrets that even I haven't discovered yet. I wouldn't have anyone figure it out before me. Though insecure I still have a stubborn, pride-filled streak in me that lives.
Its a hot night outside and in and I still suffer from hot flashes in the summer. I am almost bathed in sweat now. This blog is my step out doors in the night air. It cools me and calms me.