Friday, June 1, 2007

Fight or flight

Anytime I would wake from a seizure I could see a look in the eye of those that I thought were closest. They had witnessed the fight. I now see them as nothing but battles of anger, hate, rage, guilt, saddness, and torment of the past coming out. The only problem was I was always the looser. All most immediately as I woke from the unconcious I could see a wall of judgement and fear between my friends. I had lost any respect, comradery was fake, I was a freak. No longer apart of the popular circle I was the speck of dust to be brushed of to keep the inside clean.
I lived in fear of having one more uncontrollable grand-mal seizure infront of my once friends or anyone else. Fear creates tension and it has been my experience that stress and tension is a sort of generator for seizures. I suppose this disability compounded by out and out rage that would pop out for no apparent reason toward anyone made me a walking time bomb or volcanoe that erupts. A volcanoe is usually remembered and feared yet almost entertaining to those who see it on the news. Not so for an epileptic. I don't think epileptics are revered in the same light. I live alone and have maybe 3 or 4 people that I trust enough to know me. Still I hide because there are painfilled secrets that even I haven't discovered yet. I wouldn't have anyone figure it out before me. Though insecure I still have a stubborn, pride-filled streak in me that lives.
Its a hot night outside and in and I still suffer from hot flashes in the summer. I am almost bathed in sweat now. This blog is my step out doors in the night air. It cools me and calms me.

6 comments:

... said...

Good on you...we need more of us to speak out about ourselves, our condition, our sense of Self in order that we may all come out from under the isolation and stigma we seem to share.

I will link to you, and I hope you will link to me!
Paula Apodaca
E. is for Epilepsy by Paula Apodaca
http://www.epilepsy-paula.blogspot.com

Emeriol said...

It's definitly hard to speak about your epilepsy. I talk a lot about it on my blog, but still have trouble talking about it in person. It is very hard. I hope you keep blogging!
Emeriol
Living With Epilepsy
http://www.scott-lwe.blogspot.com

Leslie Wetter said...

I appreciate your supportive comments. I am grateful The reason why I haven't sent any bloggs was incredibly stressful life issues I had a nervous breakdown. I was sent to a hospital and taking a higher dose of Lamictal and some medication for my mental/emotional condition. I am also going to Cascadia which is for people who have no money for psychiatric help. Even with the medication I had 2 seizures. It was life conditions that led me to almost taking my life. I was told I would have a one bedroom apt. by July 26th. I spent months looking for one close to my University. Going to College and then 2 days before I was supposed leave the place calls me up saying that because I was a full time student, on financial aid and getting loans I was not acceptale. Why? Because my monetary income was to high for them to allow me in. Housing Authority of Portland has Section 8 clients sign a statement along with their current landlord that they will be out by a certain date. Only landlords won't hold an apt. for two monts. There was so much more. If anyone is interested. Anyway I am a survivor and after the fall I get up. Cascadia is helping me find a place. I am finally self published. With a zine MY NEW YORK ROOTS. This is a big step. But I am finally doing what I want to do. I am also selling it for a buck right now. Send me your address and I'll send a copy to you. This Epileptic woman will survive.

God Bless,,
Leslie Wetter

Saiyu said...

I recently went to university and found it far less daunting than the thought of fitting in front of my classmates. The problem is not the fits themselves, it's the aftermath - I would never forgive myself if I disturbed someone I knew because I fitted in front of them. I often wish I could live the same lives as my class mates- go to a club with strobe lights, have a hangover - but I know now it isn't possible.

What I'm saying is, I agree with you and you're not alone x

Atlanta Plastic Surgeons said...

keep sharing i am sure you will find the like minded and which will give you the breeze of fresh air to survive.It is a disease which makes you feel isolated...do not be...there are many suffering like you or with worse diseases.hernia surgery Los Angeles

ToteMan said...

Please see my website for my Epilepsy Awareness Comic Book. There are free downloads of the comic. Lets help spread Epilepsy Awareness to children. Please pass this along and possibly make an entry of this. As Epilepsy Awareness month is approaching this would be a great entry for the blog. I have worked with the Epilepsy Foundation of America and othe Epilepsy Foundations in the United States.
www.toteman.net